Jan 27, 2012
— read in fullHow to solve all your flatmate problems
Have a problem with your flatmates, but don’t know how to deal with it? Check out these tips for resolving conflict.
What’s the problem?
Imagine that the dishes have been piling up in your kitchen sink for a week. You know they aren’t yours; you wash your dishes after you eat. You’re mad at your flatmate because he’s letting the dishes pile up, making it harder to use the sink and leaving the kitchen dirty. Do you yell at your flatmate and demand that they wash their dishes, or do you try something else?
Conflict is normal
Conflict is a natural part of life. Everyone has different needs and wants, and when those desires don’t match, you end up with conflict. Conflict is normal, and it doesn’t have to end in bad feelings. If dealt with effectively, conflict can actually make all parties happier: you can work together to find solutions that work for everyone involved.
Nine tips for resolving conflict
By using the advice below, you’ll be able to handle arguments more effectively, make sure that your relationships are stable, and find solutions that work for everyone.
1: Calm down
Feeling angry? Take a step back from the situation for a moment. Yelling at your flatmate doesn’t help. In fact, it will make them defensive, and you’ll probably end up in a shouting match. If you argue while you’re angry, your emotions can override your thinking, and you might make the situation worse. Calm down first, then you can start to think about the conflict clearly.
2: Your relationship matters
This might be a good friendship that you want to keep, or you may just want to live in peace. Whatever the relationship means to you, be honest and tell your flatmate that you want to keep the relationship healthy. Framing the conversation like this will make your flatmate more likely to listen.
3: Keep focused
Keep the conversation focused on one issue. If your flatmate brings up something else, like: “Well, you watch TV late at night!”, either address it calmly first (“OK, let’s talk about that first”) or set it aside for later (“Can we work together on that later?”). If the issue is not related, find a way to deal with it later.
4: Talk facts
Talk about facts that anyone can observe. Don’t attack the other person’s traits or actions, just state what’s going on. Don’t say “Why don’t you ever wash the dishes?” This will make the other person defensive, and the conversation will break down. Say something like “We agreed to keep the kitchen clean, but I’ve noticed that the dishes are piling up.”
5: Talk feelings, and talk “I”
Use “I” statements to tell your flatmate how you feel. Say something like “I think that we should be responsible for our own mess, and I’m annoyed when I have to clean up your stuff.” This isn’t about making the other person guilty; you’re letting them know why the issue is important to you.
6: How do they feel?
Conflict resolution must involve both people. Once your flatmate has listened to you, you should then find out how they feel. You could ask something like “How do you feel about what I said?” It is important to find out how they feel so that you can resolve the conflict for both of you.
7: Listen and acknowledge
Discussions like this are pointless if you don’t listen. Pay attention, and then restate what they’ve said. If they say that they’ve got a big test coming up and have been stressing about it, summarise by saying “So you’ve been putting off dishes because you’re stressed out?” This lets them know you’re listening and ensures that you understand them.
8: Take responsibility
If you are responsible for some part of a conflict, acknowledge it. If your flatmate is yelling at you because you stay up late watching TV, respect their feelings and take responsibility for your part in the conflict.
9: Find a solution
A solution might be obvious once you have found out all the facts. If your flatmate is struggling to balance their time, you might offer to do the washing up together to make it faster (and more enjoyable). Or, if the problem is your late night TV watching, you could agree to watch TV earlier, keep the volume lower, buy your flatmate earplugs, or something else that you can agree on.
The goal of talking out conflicts is to find solutions that work for both flatmates. Find ways to make your life better, but also ensure that your relationship remains healthy. Find a solution that helps everyone feel respected and listened to, and you’ll be on your way to keeping the relationship intact.
Related links
Your shout!
Do you have any other tips for resolving conflict? Have these tips worked for you? Share your thoughts by posting a comment using the link below.
